Really guy... really?

I've been doing it all wrong, I realize. When I chat with men online and/or throw my money at yet another online service, I do so whilst working under the guise of finding someone immensely dateable... and well, real. But I am apparently one of only a small handful,  which is made abundantly clear by this guy. ---------------------->

In a casual perusal of Craig's List (it's late, I'm bored and I needed a couple of late night guffaws), I stumbled across Mr. 26 Year Old Grad Student. Now, anyone who knows my tastes knows full well that had I been looking seriously, I would've stopped after his third listed attribute, "Long dark brown hair and a thin black beard and mustache." Maybe it's just me, but I'd actually prefer to not date someone who describes himself as a weasily version of central figure from V for Vendetta.

That being said, I couldn't pass up his post without comment. It seems this guy isn't looking for a date, or even a girlfriend -- he's apparently likened the internet for a build-a-bear store, a storefront depot wherein it's advisable to list every attribute you would ever want in your partner until the end of fucking time. He can't possibly be looking for a real human female -- at least, not anyone who exists outside of his undoubtedly vast collection of manga and anime. You know the worst thing about this post, though? Before he goes all warp speed into Crazyville, he actually sounds fairly normal. Fairly.

Let's review.

What I’m looking for in a woman:
Requirements:
* Be female. 

This is so important as to require an asterisk, rather than a simple numeral... and you know, with the internets the wild west that it is nowadays, I support the man for being upfront in his request for a fully formed, non-surgical vagina. He's not one to settle for Thai ladyboy substitute. You can't argue with a man who knows what he wants -- or can you? 

1. No children
2. Not taken
3. Non smoker
4. No 420
5. No drugs
6. No STDs
7. Limited or no alcohol 

Ok, ok... his first eight (counting the gender stipulation) are fairly standard, though being the uncloseted lush that I am, I'd certainly put up a fierce fight over number seven. That being said, that's one of those things that separates the wheat from the shaft, as they say; if I hadn't already been repelled by the long thin hair and pre-pubescent facial scrub, his desire to find a woman who is hops deficient would certainly turn me off.  Still, I was thinking things were fairly normal until...
10. Will call or contact on own initiative 2-4x per week on own initiative
11. Will plan dates at least 2-3x per month, on own initiative
12. Will drop by (calling in advance) at least 2x per month on own initiative 

Errr, ok. I suppose what he's trying to say here is that, as the man, he doesn't want to always be the one calling, planning and visiting. He wants a woman with some initiative. Initiative is fantastic, but stipulating visiting hours like you're a stand-in for Kramer vs. Kramer seems a bit, well, strident, does it not? Is he keeping track on his big ships of the Navy calendar? Will I receive a friendly card or voicemail at the end of the month if I've forgotten to call in advance of a visit?

'Hello, Bronwen, this is an automated message from THIN CREEPY GUY. To hear your reprimand for failing to plan a date between the dates of OCTOBER THE 5TH and OCTOBER THE 12th, press one. To choose a date in November on which to make up the missed date, press two. To leave an apologetic message, press three. To hear these options again, press five. Para espanol, prima seis.'

After he relays the monthly requirements, it just begins to get frenetic and weird:

15. Has a sex drive but does not feel the need to explore that immediately. 
Sooo, what, she should be able to turn it off and on like a faucet? I wonder if he realizes that a woman who wants to 'explore that immediately' is pretty much the only one you want to have. Here's a secret, creepy thin guy -- if a woman does not want to sleep with you, then you are not her boyfriend and you never will be. But maybe if he knew that he wouldn't be leaking this bullshit on the internet like a weasel on a diuretic diet.

16. Not a vegetarian, vegan, or on any other strange life choice diet. Gluten, seafood, lactose, and other food allergies are fine as would be Diabetes type I. 
Well now, Doctor What the Fuck, so glad to know my food allergies are acceptable, but a freaky, off the wall like being vegetarian is taboo. He later mentions he doesn't want someone who is zealously religious -- but it seems zealously ignorant is quite okay. I'm wondering how often he's met women who are strangely and inexplicably allergic to his penis.

17. Leads a healthy lifestyle  
So long as that lifestyle doesn't include, you know, vegetables.

He goes on to request an individual who is either White, Asian, Pacific Islander, Indian, Middle East, or Native American who is at or under 5’7, intelligent, wise and not an atheist, who will sometimes come on to me... you know, once she checks her calendar and realizes it's time to explore her raging sex drive. The best part, however, is when he tries to be tender. His fembot will stand up to me when needed, but also for me, and be the type who ultimately inspires me to be a better person.

Awwww, and here I thought it would be years before robots would be able to display human characteristics; in his utopia, however, it all seems so possible. His is a world in which I want to live!


Just when you think you've exhausted his list, he gets into a shorter list of 'preferences.' Did you get that distinction? Calling him up to four times a week is a requirement, as is not exploring your sex drive. Spoken like a man who will never have a woman grab him by the shirt collar and drag him up the stairs... like that's at all surprising.


Preferences:

1. Thin
2. B-C cup
3. Shaves legs
4. Enjoys being manhandled. 

Ignoring his obvious request for a fembot who might well resemble a waif-ish, pre-pubescent monkey, I'm intrigued by the fourth entry. Manhandled... surely he doesn't mean sexually, because, well, yeah. Any man who lists as a requirement someone who will 'somtimes' come on to him has proven himself to be a man who wouldn't know how to handle it -- much less manhandle it -- if he was given an instruction booklet. Could he mean physically? Judging by the photo, I'm not sure how that's feasible, unless he's going to trip the poor girl then tie her to a chair and read this post to her. Hmmm.... maybe he means emotionally, as in "let me call you two to four times a week and read this post to you, as required by our aforementioned relationship."

5. Wouldn’t mind moving away from Austin if that becomes a topic for discussion.  

Under normal circumstances, I don't think too many women would mind discussing relocation for a truly wonderful person; it feels highly likely, however, that in this case, creepy thin guy would want to move away from Austin and burrow deep into the forest to home school the half dozen children he fully intends to 'require' fembot to have, so they can learn the fine art of crocheting potholders and proper gun cleaning. On the plus side, they would get to live off the land and learn about the cycle of life as they kill what they eat.

On the down side, though, they really wouldn't be too useful in building that asbestos-tinged fallout shelter and spreading word of an impending race war until they were ohhh, about eight or nine. But in the meantime, I guess those tiny hands would be good for digging wells, harvesting crops and sewing knockoff Gucci wallets to sell on the black market.