Please prove to me you aren't a tool

Craig's List + snark = a match made in heaven. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Craig's List was custom made for a person like me, and a blog like this. Granted, it occasionally offers up someone that is not a giant douchebag -- see Contest #542 about the Kiwi -- but on the whole, CL is overrun with men who are more likely used to find their women via the grapevine known as the bar bathroom wall and women who are on an elusive search for a green card.

That group, however, isn't where the snark lies; as far as I'm concerned, the humor is in the men who look to CL as something more than just a toss of the dice, who actually attempt to lay out their perfect mate within the confines of a free web site whose look is reminiscent of a mid-sized city's newspaper classified section. Those are the guys you want to grab, shake and ask, "really, guy? Did you think you'd find perfection here?" And if that's not bad enough, the guy offering up this laundry list is always an unquestioning tool.

Like, always.

Take, for example, Mr. PLEASE PROVE TO ME SHE ACTUALLY EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Given the headline, you know damned well I only clicked on this for comic value. I could scarcely bring myself to do it, given the exclamation assault. I mean, really -- is it that necessary? Are you that excited about asking this question? This has been an ongoing debate within my circle, and I will forever and always be adamantly opposed to excessive punctuation. Couple that with the screaming all caps and really, what you've got is a tool of absolute epic proportions, one whom has undoubtedly spent more than his fair share of time in AOL chat rooms without ever stumbling across anyone who would share with him the understood rules of chatting.

But enough of that -- let's meet Mr. Eager, shall we?
Well, there we go. He's actually not a bad looking kid, provided he shuts his proverbial piehole and stops screaming at me over the Interwebs. If he'd just included this one photo, I might have actually reconsidered my decision to label him a tool, but, again, in what can only be described as a blackout of bad decision making, he decided to include photos of random bullshit no one cares about -- his vehicles and his friends. What, I ask you, can be gleaned from a photo of a guy's car? Answer: not a thing that any actual woman wants to know. The broad who's attracted to a guy because of what he drives isn't actually a woman you want to be with.  It's such an perversely twisted way of thinking, in that this guy is probably first in line to complain about all women being materialistic. If that's the case, broham, perhaps you ought not upload shit like this:

These photos do not make you look cool, guy. They make you look like a giant douche with a very small penis and massive issues related to your gender and level of self-esteem.

For the record, I know some pretty awesome chicks, and I'm pretty positive not a one of them would be into a guy who (a) had a blue sports car, and (b) posted images of it. And what're you doing over there on the left, guy, wanking your tool jewel on the seat of the motorcycle there? If this is actually an attempt to show women that you're into bikes or fix bikes or race bikes or what the fuck ever, then maybe you should consider actually including a photo that shows you doing something other than standing next to it. You look like you're at some wack ass car show and have been restricted to the kiddie section. And worse yet, is that a sport bike? You're not even man enough to be into something classic?

Not sexy, broham. Not sexy in the least.

After you work through the hot Abercrombie mess that are the photos, it's time to pick your way through the minefield that is the post itself. This is how he begins:


Is there such a girl out there that is:

attractive
spontaneous
well educated
non smoker
non married/divorced
no kids 

First off, WTF is up with dudes and bulleted lists? Are we in a marketing meeting watching a fucking powerpoint? If you can't form a paragraph, I don't want to know you. And if you actually believe you can make a connection with anyone based on a random assortment of adjectives, then again sir, you're a tool. Formatting aside, however, the beginning of the list is actually fairly standard. Single guy wants single girl to be a cute, single, non-smoker with no baby daddy drama and a modicum of a thought process she calls her own.

And let's not forget spontaneous... not unlike writing this blog, come to think about it.  Hmm, maybe he is the man for me.  

Moving along:
smart enough to find better things to do in life besides drink at bars every chance they get 

I'm obviously not drinking every chance I get, or I wouldn't be stumbling across this bullshit ad you've posted, broham. I'm always intrigued when guys jump on their moral highorse and begin to espouse how uncool it is to be a woman who drinks at bars. Ignoring the big picture for a moment, would it be better if I was drinking at home alone? Or would you prefer I not drink at all, but spend four hours a day on my ass with an XBOX? Oooo, wait. Maybe I need to be trolloping around taking photos of my super awesome sports car. That's it.

no dirtied up with tattoos 
We won't even open this Pandora's Box of nonsense, because I could blog about this jugdment-laden phrase for a month. I'm pretty positive tattoos could be overlooked, but something like the herp is forever. That's not on your list, though, so can I suppose that you'll be quite content the first time it burns when you pee?

great since of humor 
But a great sense of spelling is obviously optional.

not easily offended  
I'm sure she'd be cool with your implication that she was a dirty, tattooed whore.

As usual with these types of things, Tool saved the best for last.  

looks great in pigtails
Errrr, excuse me? What the fuck did you just say? Of all the things a woman could be, you need her to look great in pigtails? Could this glaring inability to properly prioritize be the reason you're single, broham? Maybe your match is a non-existent orphan with an affinity for cleaning and singing.

Maybe, good sir -- juuuust maybe.

It should be noted that the bullet just before that one was 'Christian.' Nice. Nothing says 'live as Christ did' like hitting a hottie with tight ponies.

Ooooooooo yeah.